Monday, February 28, 2005

Beyonce; The Odd Couple: The Next Generation

Anyone watch those Oscar awards last night? There are plenty of things to say about it and plenty of jokes to make but I will concentrate on one thing: Beyonce.

She sung 3 of the 5 songs during the awards. That's all good and well. But one of them was in French. was supposed to be, at least. If you see any American media about her, they're all saying how talented she is to be able to sing in French but if only they knew!! The only words I can make out were "de la nuit". That's it! The rest of it was so horribly mangled. The ONE and ONLY time anyone ever needs Celine Dion and they use Beyonce instead...sigh...

So I was thinking what would happen if Jean-Luc Picard and Q were reunited in sitcom form to make a new Odd Couple-esque show (Trek fans only):

("The Odd Couple: The Next Generation was filmed in front of a holographic studio audience")

(Picard walks in the door. Q comes in from the kitchen. The audience bursts out into cheering.)

Picard: Q, what is the meaning of this?
Q: Why, whatever do you mean, Jean-Luc?
Picard: You know very well what I mean. You invited the Admiral over for supper, knowing full well the replicator does not work.
Q: Did I? Well, I'm sure an experienced Starfleet captain such as yourself can manage. (Q proceeds to examine his fingernails)
(The door chime, umm...chimes)
Picard: Q! You must leave. I can't allow the Admiral to know I have an omnipotent, omniscient being living with me.
Q: Jean-Luc, I am hurt. The way you always brush me under the's quite appalling, really. Very well. If you don't want her to know you live with one about a dozen? (after a light flashes, a dozens Qs are standing around. Just then, the door nudges open slightly. The Admiral is letting herself in!)
Admiral Satie: Hello? Captain Picard?
(Picard rushes to the door, blocking the way, not allowing the admiral to get fully in and see the ridiculous scene behind him)
Picard: Admiral Satie! What a surprise!
Admiral Satie: Surprise? Whatever are you talking about? You invited me yourself.
(Picard flashes a quick glare at Q, who now has his hand to his mouth in mock shock)
Picard: Oh yes. I remember now. Haha. Unfortunately, I will have to cancel our ENGAGEment.
Admiral Satie: Now, you cannot just cancel a supper with a fleet admiral. Are you hiding something back there? (the admiral pushes the door while Picard tries to hold her back. They struggle together. The studio audience goes wild! Finally the admiral bursts through the doorway and sees...nothing!! The Qs disappeared and on the table is a hot turkey dinner, complete with romantic candles.)
Admiral Satie (giving Picard a come-hither look): Oh, shouldn't have.
Picard (angrily, to himself): Oh Q...
Admiral Satie: What was that?
Picard: Um, I said...'oh you...'

("The Odd Couple: The Next Generation will return after these messages.")

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Sour Bears; Dunkin Donuts

So I picked up these Sour Bears at Walmart. I'm always looking for new candy and thought this would be a good choice. Upon eating a whole lot of them, I realized there was something wrong. Whereas the sour bears at the movies are gummy bears with sour powder, these are sour bears with sugar powder. It's really weird.

I show up to Dunkin Donuts at the corner of Rome and Taschereau, armed with coupons. I was going to use my "buy a dozen, get 3 free" coupon when I notice the entire place is boarded up!! When did this happen? There isn't another Dunkin Donuts around, either? What am I to do with these coupons?! I refuse to buy donuts from Tim Horton's, because their donuts suck hard. Tasteless. Bad texture. Blah. I want to use my coupons, dammit.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Kornheiser; Microwave; Confessions; T-Fal

Tony Kornheiser is an ass.
I always felt this way, ever since hearing him on the radio but I feel more strongly about it now. He purports to be a sports talk radio guy but knows next to nothing about the subject. Why is he on the radio? Well, let's go through the Requirements and Etiquette to Talking on American Radio Distributions (RETARD, for short):
-loud check!
-ignorant check!
-uninformed opinions check!
-arrogance double check!

This man knows so little yet talks so big, as if he knows it all. He completely dismissed hockey, even though there is a hockey team in the town he's in (Washington, DC). I could understand if he doesn't like hockey but the ignorance he speaks when discussing it is unacceptable. This week, I took issue with 2 things he said about the new Washington baseball team (the old Montreal team).
1) He said that Bud Selig tried 5000 different things to make baseball work up here.
2) He wrote a lengthy article about how he and everyone else in DC cannot name 3 players on the Nationals.

As a sports authority, I'm not sure if it's a good thing to admit you're vastly ignorant of sports. If Washington doesn't want them, I'll take them back, you know. And then to say Selig tried 5000 different things to save ball here? Does this guy know what he's talking about? Shame on you, Jason Alexander, for playing Kornheiser in your new sitcom, Listen Up. I think it's best if I ignore the whole issue.

So I don't know much about microwaves. So sue me. It's always an adventure in the kitchen here at work when I wanna warm sumfin' up. People watch and laugh at my fumbling attempts. Leave me alone!!

I must make a confession. I recently found out my 129th post was erroneous. What I thought was a post counter was not. So I have no way of knowing what number post that was. If anyone knows a way to count posts short of the manual way, please let me know.

I just got it!!!! "T-Fal Resist All" Resist all!!! I never caught that, I'm dumb.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Hockey; Transporter; Baseball; Chocolates

So the hockey season if over...and it may last a looooong time. I can't add too much to what Rez said his last post. The players are way out of touch with reality. They don't realize they're in a marginal league yet they demand big league money. There is hardly any fanbase for hockey outside a handful of cities in the league yet the players want MLB- or NBA-like contracts. Gary Bettman had a noble plan in the early 90s to expand to all over the States in hopes of making a true "National" Hockey League, in order to get a sweet national TV package going but that flopped. Now he's stuck with a broken league with anemic attendence and low interest. Pro bowling gets higher ratings than the NHL in the States. Hockey is down to its hardcore fans and even they are turning against it, just like Star Trek. Which is a nice segue to...

...transporters. I was thinking the other day about the reality of transporters. If they were invented, we'd all have to shield our houses from transporter thieves. Otherwise, someone could just beam into my place, take my Xbox and Ultimate Spider-Man issues and then beam out! So some type of shield is necessary. But the shield wouldn't be able to block incoming thieves, it would only scramble the signal...which means if someone tried coming in, they'd end up a pile of goo on the floor, with 2 eyes on top, making those cartoon *poink poink* sounds, as they blink. This shield would really suck for innocent people who dialed the wrong address/number.
"656-7552...Oh crap! No! I meant 656-75..." SPLOOCH!!! Blinking-goo-eyes result.

So the Expos left to go to Washington but still have the same problems. Over here, they had to get last minute radio deals where they would receive no revenue. They'd basically pay to have themselves on the radio. Well, guess what? The same thing is happening in Washington. They just signed a deal where they have to pay for their own radio time. And I thought it was greener pastures over there...and sour grapes over here.

On my way to class yesterday, I picked up 2 chocolate bars: an Oh! Henry (for old time's sake) and a Hershey Sidekick (soft nougat and creamy peanut butter enveloped in chocolate...). The bill was $2.17. So I frantically search through my wallet and count my change. I had EXACTLY $2.17 on me! It was fate. The Choco-Gods were smiling upon me that day, my friends.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Enterprise cancelled...?

So UPN has cancelled Star Trek: Enterprise, but not without leaving it open to interpretation.

"UPN and Paramount Network Television have jointly announced that this will be the final season of STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE on UPN."

This is a quote from a longer press release stating the end of the show. However, they do leave the possibility that the show returns on another network or hopefully in syndication, like TNG and DS9 were. While that is a longshot, I'm still hoping it does return. Just when the creatively bankrupt show-runners were replaced, just when the show was hitting its stride and became amazing this season, the short-sighted dimwits at UPN decide to axe the show. The death of Star Trek was the creation of UPN. Enterprise was on a marginal network that has little viewership and even less promotion.

If this is the end, I'm terribly angry because they're stopping a show just when it was fulfilling its potential, as well as killing Star Trek for the future.

UPN is run by clowns.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Whither, job?

So I was expecting a phone call today or yesterday from Tyco about their selection for a job. After waiting with baited breath all of yesterday, no call... I wasn't worried though, cuz they said they'd call one way or another. So here I am, sleeping, this morning...when my cell phone goes off. Now, I had my cell phone right next to my head on the shelf. Its volume was full blast on my new ringtone, the Imperial March from The Empire Strikes Back. Not a good omen.
But lo! Now Neil and I are co-workers. Technical Support Specialists. Now...what car do I buy...?