Thursday, February 23, 2006

Cinematically Discriminating

Lately, I have become more discriminating in my movie-going. Back in the day, I used to see any old trashy waste of celluloid that would come out. Recently, I asked myself, "Self...why?" Why should I spend all this money on movies I know will be rubbish? There have been a string of chick-fighting-baddies movies that Chris thinks is the second coming of Citizen Kane. "We have to see Underworld: Evolution/Aeon Flux/Elektra(?)/whatever-debris-of-a-film-is-playing!!!! It's the mad notes!" But no! I put my foot down. I only pay to see quality now. And it's not the money. It's the principle of the matter. The lost time. The dead brain cells. In the past 4 months, I've seen two movies at the theatre: King Kong and Walk the Line. I enjoyed them both, although one was too long and didn't have a kickin' soundtrack...I'll leave it to my sharp readership to figure out which is which.

However, I am presented with a dilemma. This dilemma can be summed up in two words: "gun" "kata".

For the uninitiated, get thee to a video store, posthaste and acquire Equilibrium. Schnell! Walk, run, hobble or pogoball it to the nearest dvd depository. In this movie, you shall learn all about the close-quarters, firearm-based martial art called gunkata. Yes, upon any reflection, it is ridiculous (see Appendix A) but on-screen, it's, dare I say, wicked awesome.

The dilemma I am faced with is this new movie called Ultraviolet (henceforth to be referred to as U/V). When I first heard of this flick, I though, "ho hum, another movie about a totalitarian future regime oppressing its people and a lone female heroine who must take them down". In this case, it's Milla Jovovich playing some sort of government enhanced super-human. Meh, right? Then I saw the trailer. It became clearer than a Terry's french fry bag to me that U/V is the progeny of Equilibrium, made by the same writer/director. (Aside: I take full credit for discovering Christian Bale. Batman fans can send me fruit baskets c/o Gameloft, 5800 St-Denis). It appears that there is some sort of gunkata in U/V. So what to do? Loyal readers (if any) know how much I heart the gat-kata.

My gut tells me U/V will stink worse than Mo's toilet on Super Bowl Sunday but on the other hand, it has gunkata. If I see it, it would negate months of arguments and self-deprivation. But if I don't see it, I'll miss the kata. And not just any ol' kata. Gun-friggin'-kata. What to do? See it? Wait for the dvd? *Gasp* download it? (Don't tell the MPAA, they already have a file on me). So please, Musing Nation, I need advice. Play Yoda to my Mari Amithest and give me guidance. (Too obscure? Fine, let's say Luke Skywalker, then).

My, my, my...gunkata can be a cruel mistress.

Appendix A: Gunkata: The Deadly Martial Art of Handgun Self-Defense.

Appendix B: Where's your bloody Aeon Flux now, eh Chris!? Yeah, I thought so.

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