Thursday, May 06, 2010

My ears, my precious ears...

The other day, I heard something on the radio that was described as a song. It wasn't described as such by me, but the mere fact that it was playing on the radio, a medium designed to perpetrate songs, must mean this sonic nightmare can only be categorized as such.

A few seconds in, I recognized it as a new Black Eyed Peas single called "Imma Be". How did I know that's the title? Well, only because they repeat that phrase about ohhhh 105 times!

Has anyone heard this formless, meandering mess? It's ridiculous. At first, I was upset that a whole load of n'importe quoi could make it to the airwaves. If it had been me who came up with this song, it would be ridiculous. But no, if Will.I.Am poops out this drivel, it's a masterpiece.

But then it hit me. The Black Eyed Peas are in on the joke. They are indeed capable of catchy hooks so this song strikes me as purposefully uncatchy, crafted to be terrible just to see how far they can push the envelope before someone calls them out on their BS.

I have a vision of Will.I.Am, Fergie, and the other two nameless goobers who collect paycheques sitting around a room and just wondering aloud:
"What if we just say 'I'm going to be', followed by a load of nonsense of things we will be doing?"
"I like it but let's shorten that down to 'Imma bee', then use an image of a bee on the single's cover."
"Brilliant," they all say in unison, as they light cigars with $100 bills and pour Dom Perignon into diamond-studded gold chalices.

It's as if this new song is a parody of their other inane fare, like "My Humps". Hey, Peas, I get it. You're mocking yourselves and us, while at the same time trying to see if your joke of a song can pass as legit. Well, I refuse to let you have your cake and eat it too.

Self-parody in what appears to be an earnest release must be some form of avant-garde, meta-music but it still doesn't change the fact that much like the Dwarves of Moria digging too deeply, you've unwittingly unleashed an unspeakable horror upon an unsuspecting public. For shame...

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

I believe it's jogging or yogging, it might be a soft J

Now that the weather has improved, I've recently taken up jogging outside. On days when I don't go to the gym or play soccer, I take a nice run around the neighbourhood - and in doing so, I've unwittingly joined a cult.

Have you ever noticed how bus drivers will always wave at each other when they pass by each other? Well, the same goes for joggers, apparently. It's like I've joined the Priory of Sion and had no clue. What bizarre fraternity have I stumbled into?

It goes something like this: I'm jogging down the street when another jogger comes the opposite way. He'll look at me and nod knowingly. Unwilling to let it slide, I nod back pretending I'm in the loop. I suppose I am in the loop now. Either that or I've consented to many untoward things with strangers.

Also of note: the nodding courtesy does not extend to bicyclists. Maybe there's a war between joggers and bikers of which I'm not aware but I looked quite the fool nodding to a dude on a bike the other day.